Terrible Things
by thatgirlwhowritessometimes
Summary: When Thorin suspects Kili is falling in love, Thorin knew he should be happy for him. But he wasn't, and that was something he could only blame on himself. After all, a lost love is not so easily forgotten. (Songfic to Terrible Things – Mayday Parade). No slash.


**Author's Note****: Hello again! So I should have been working on Little Vixens, but this plot bunny came while listening to a fantastic song (check it out!) and I couldn't ignore the temptation. I wrote in a slightly different style, so reviews and critiques would be awesome! Thanks!**

**Warnings****: Begins in an AU, but then flows directly into the canon bookverse. Super angsty.**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own any of these characters, and I do not make a profit from this work. I do not own the song, or the lyrics that I have used.**

* * *

Thorin liked routine.

He was comforted by it. He didn't like surprises, and he didn't like expecting the unexpected all the time. It was exhausting.

Perhaps it was just a testament of his age; he was not young anymore, but he was not old. Thorin had had a long life, filled with wonderful and terrible things, and the routine that had become his life was safe from the surprises that he despised. And he liked it that way.

So looking back on the last year, Thorin failed to see anything out of the ordinary, because maybe he didn't want to. And when Fili had recently admitted that he thought Kili had been acting differently lately, Thorin outright told him that he was mistaken. Kili was changing, sure, but that was typical for any dwarf of his age. He was seventy-three after all, and by far not a child anymore, so it was normal for him to start maturing. Fili didn't believe him, claiming desperately that there was more to it than just growing up, but Thorin simply told him to not speak of it anymore. So Fili no longer shared his suspicions with Thorin, and Thorin continued pretending that his nephew had never said anything to him. He told himself it was better that way.

But Thorin could not deny that Fili had planted the seed of doubt within him. He had long suspected what had been bothering Kili much before Fili ever brought it to his attention. His observations were rapidly sparking something inside of him that he had decided long ago should lay dormant until the end of his days. However, it seemed he was no longer in control anymore. He began to remember things – the flash of an impish smile, the twinkle of green eyes, the musical sound of beautiful laughter – all bits of memory he had repressed long ago. For those memories were those from Erebor, and he had told himself to forgive but not forget, and to let go of the past but to be wary of the future. He tried so very hard to not think of the things that brought him so much pain. But every time he found himself watching Kili too closely, he felt the dull ache in his chest that had just never gone away. He didn't want to remember, but he seemed to not have a choice in the matter. So he did his best to hide his emotions deep inside him, and hoped to all things that Fili did not notice anything different about him too.

After a year, Thorin could no longer outwardly deny that Kili was now a very different dwarf. It was the little things that he began to see, like that Kili would come home later and later, often adorning a giddy expression and slightly disheveled clothing. Frequently he noticed that his youngest nephew did not smell like himself, but rather of something or someone else entirely. But what truly caught his attention was how Kili responded when Thorin asked him where he'd been or what he'd been doing. He'd shift his feet and his gaze would flicker between his uncle and every object within sight – he never was a good liar – and he would eventually mumble out some excuse neither of them believed. But Thorin let it go, if only to preserve both their peace of mind.

But Kili never lied. That is what bothered Thorin the most. It was such a severe change in his character that Thorin could not simply overlook it. And to add insult to injury, Kili had never lied to Fili before this, not once to the big brother that Kili claimed with his other half in a completely platonic way. Thorin spent a long time thinking about it, but in the end he realized he had failed to see – or, more accurately, what he did not want to see – what Fili had all along. But now that he had seen the signs, there was no denying that Fili's earlier speculation of Kili's peculiar behavior had been correct. Thorin had sought his blonde nephew out the next day and apologized for his rudeness, saying that the change in Kili reminded him of things better left untouched. They left it at that, and decided without words that they would no longer focus on Thorin's past plights but instead on Kili, for he was more important.

But it seemed no matter what they did, no matter how nicely Fili asked or how much parental force Thorin used, Kili still did not tell them anything. Fili began to feel as if he was the problem, despite all logic saying otherwise, and the relationship between the brothers suffered because of it. Thorin was in a similar predicament; his attempts at getting Kili to tell them the truth only lead to loud fighting and then, when throats were left sore and raw, heavy silence hung between them that neither wanted to be the first to break. Their hope that Kili would ever let them in instead of shutting them out like he had been for nearly a year quickly dwindled. They had tried everything they could think of, so they waited for Kili to tell them himself, as they could do no more for him.

* * *

Dis was an observer. She did not jump to conclusions and act rashly like her brother. She acted with a level head and let logic prevail after gathering all the facts, and many asked for her advice because of her calculating nature. Her reasoning was comforting and refreshing, she was told, as it was all too rare among the stubborn and hot headed dwarves that lacked her sound common sense.

And that is why even though she watched Kili just as Thorin and Fili had, she did not approach Kili with own worries. She knew very well that something had changed within her youngest son and she had her own suspicions as to what the true cause was. But what her brother and her eldest son did not possess was a mother's intuition, which they cannot be blamed for, of course. Being a mother had its advantages, and those included piecing together the complex puzzle of emotions Kili had trapped them all in. She had no proof, but she was sure she had figured it out. It was quite simple really. But at the same time, it was not simple at all.

She suspected Thorin knew the true cause as well, judging by the pained glances he often sent towards Kili. She thought that maybe Fili had his own suspicions, but that he had dismissed it as unlikely. She too was surprised when the idea came to her, but when she really thought about it, it made sense. It all made sense. And she was ashamed that she didn't know if that was a wonderful or terrible thing.

It all came to a head after supper one night. Thorin, Fili and Dis sat at the table, all three watching Kili as he sat in the chair in front of the fire. It was clear that Kili was lost in his thoughts, if the small smile curving his lips was any indication. They turned from Kili almost simultaneously, and instead looked at each other in silence for a moment until Dis sighed.

"We all know what it is, whether we choose to accept it or not." She spoke quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. "But we must show him that we support him and that he does not have to go to such great lengths to hide what we already know."

They all understood what she meant – further words were not necessary. Fili looked at her with a strictly neutral expression, clearly trying to act like he was not immensely bothered by Kili's behaviour. But the façade was flawed; his ever so slightly shaking hands gave his nervousness away. Thorin sat still, but looked at her in such a way that she felt her heart almost break in two. It was a look of pure sadness that spoke of an old sorrow that had still not yet healed. She had no doubts that Thorin knew now, but she still said the words for Fili's sake and to break the silence that had descended upon them.

"It is love."

Kili looked up from the flames at this, his expression that of fear and vulnerability. Fili was the first to move. He rose from his seat and pulled his younger brother tightly into his arms. They melted into the familiarity of one another, as they had not truly embraced for what felt like a lifetime.

"Why would you not tell us something so wonderful, brother? To love another completely is a beautiful thing. It is nothing to be ashamed of." Fili pulled back and looked at Kili. He was no longer burdened from a year of silence. Instead, the flames of the fire danced in the soft, relieved look in his brown eyes.

"I am not ashamed," he clarified quietly. He paused for a moment, unable to look anywhere other than Fili's gentle expression. "I was afraid."

"Afraid of what? Did you think we would not allow it?" Fili scoffed. "Do not be a fool, Kili."

Kili did not respond. He looked over his brother's shoulder at his mother, who – like Thorin – had not moved from her spot at the table. Her shoulders were stiff and her hands clasped tightly before her, but the smile on her face was one that reached her eyes.

Dis was incredibly happy for her son, of course. Any mother wished for the day that her child would know the beauty of love and the feeling of giving yourself to another wholly. It was not something to be taken lightly, and with one look at her son's serious expression, Dis knew that Kili understood that.

But there was another side of her, a side that she and Thorin both shared that told her otherwise. It told her that love brought nothing but heartache and misery, and that love was a disease that should not be allowed to fester in the hearts of those so young and innocent. It said love was a weakness that only brought more hurt to those who fell for its hidden lies. She felt ill at the thought of her youngest son going through what her and Thorin had barely survived, to watch helplessly as he was forced to bear the scar of something more wicked than any physical wound could ever be.

Dwarves only loved once, that was common knowledge among their race. The pain of losing your One was not simply something that would heal after a few years time. No, a widowed dwarf never got over the sorrow. They merely learned to live with it, to endure its heavy weight for the rest of their existence. They could not choose the one that would become the other half of their very being – they could only hope that Mahal would bless them with a long life free of pain and death alongside their intended. But Dis knew all too well that many were not that lucky, and Thorin understood that even more than she did.

The moment that Dis saw the signs of love radiating from her youngest born so long ago, she had prayed to whatever high being would listen. She asked that Kili could live the life that she was never allowed, a life that had been within her grasp but was taken away just as she dared to hope she would always have it. Yes, she had lost her intended and the father of her sons. And yes, she would never get over the grief of his passing, nor the emptiness she knew she would always feel. But she knew she had been lucky to live what few years she had with her One, unlike her brother. If she still felt the pain of her love's passing with this much force, she could only imagine the misery Thorin felt every passing day. It made her sick with self-hate at how unhappy she still is when Thorin had not been nearly as fortunate as she had been.

And that is why she could not be completely happy that her son had found his One. She was biased, she knew. She was all too familiar with the feeling of first love – the weightlessness and the absolute ecstasy that merely being in the vicinity of your beloved would bring to you. She had not forgotten the feeling, and that is what made the whole situation that much more painful.

But Kili was young and his new love had not yet been tested by fate. He had a chance, and she prayed that he did not end up like her and Thorin. She could see the raw and unhidden emotions in her son's eyes that peeked out from behind Fili's shoulder, the ones that screamed for the acceptance and endless support of his mother that would so obviously mean the world to him, and what kind of person would she be if she denied her son a thing as simple as her blessing?

Breaking from her thoughts, she slowly rose from her seat. Fili stepped back and took her place across from Thorin, who had not moved. Instead, he stared unseeingly at the wooden table with false interest, while Fili watched the exchange between mother and son.

Dis took Kili's face gently in her hands and brushed away the long hair that threatened to hide his hopeful expression. She smiled gently at him, and Kili offered a small smile back at the comforting gesture.

"Kili, my son." Dis leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "I am so, so happy for you." And it was the truth. She was happy for him, but she was also terrified for his future. But she would not tell ruin his happiness with her own fears. She felt the heaviness in her chest subside slightly when his smile widened. Her vision began to blur from tears of both joy and sadness, and she quickly pulled him into her arms to hide those that threatened to spill over. Her head lay upon his shoulder, and Dis found herself wondering when Kili had grown so tall.

"You must promise me that you will be careful," she whispered hoarsely in his ear. Kili pulled back and looked vaguely confused at her wish, but nodded anyways.

"I will, mother. I swear that I will." He was quiet for a moment as they held each other. "I want to make you proud."

Dis barely held back a sob at his words. Did her son not think she was already so incredibly proud of him? "Oh Kili, I am proud of you. I have always been proud, never doubt that."

She finally allowed the tears to leak from her eyes. They left wet trails in their wake, which Kili wiped away tenderly, all the while looking deep in thought. Dis knew exactly what he was thinking; after all, it was hard for her to hide animosity towards something that had nearly ruined her life. Love to her was an empty promise, and she could see that her son was all too aware of that. She knew it was why he was wary to tell them of his love in the first place. He was not a blind fool – he saw how much the very notion of love affected his mother and his uncle. Clearly he had been afraid of their reaction, so he hid it from them instead. Dis felt another wave of self-hate pass over her knowing that her son was too afraid to tell her something so wonderful just because she could not keep her own emotions under control. She had still acted so weak, no matter how hard she had tried to be strong.

They remained locked in each other's arms for a long time, both content to hold each other. Kili had slowly relaxed and now clutched his mother limply, clearly relieved to have gotten her blessing. She stroked his dark hair silently as she tried not to think anymore. She wanted everything to be simple from now on, and she didn't want her son's love to be tainted with her own loss.

Eventually, Kili pulled away. He offered his mother a watery smile. "Your blessing means everything to me, mother."

Dis chuckled hollowly. "How could I refuse it? Love is beautiful, Kili. You wear it well."

She allowed her son to step back from her embrace and pull away from her, knowing he was leaving more than just her arms. He removed himself from the comfort and protection of his mother who had worked her entire existence to keep him safe from the horrors of the world. And now, her son entered something she could not protect him from, something she had seen utterly destroy so many, and that thought made her want to weep. But it was a bittersweet feeling, as she knew the risk was worth the reward if you were lucky. They just had to hope that Kili could be the exception to the terrible fate she and Thorin had suffered.

Thanks to her observant nature, Dis did not miss the brief flash of uneasiness on Kili's face before it fell into shadows when he turned away from the light of the fire. He took a few steps towards where Thorin and Fili sat and then abruptly stopped, as if unsure how to proceed. Dis managed to catch Thorin's eyes when the hastily flickered way from his advancing nephew. They held eye contact for what felt like minutes. She tried to tell him without words that she had done her job as the mother, and now it was time for the father-figure in Kili's life to offer his own blessing. But that was not easily done – as hard as it was for Dis to give her son her best wishes, she knew it would be much harder for Thorin to do the same. He had suffered more than she had through lost love, and it was something that had irrevocably changed him.

But still, a silent agreement passed between them. Dis would not tell Kili of Thorin's past, for she had no right to it. It was Thorin's story to tell, and his alone. If Kili was to obtain Thorin's blessing, he had to know the truth behind Thorin's disdain for love and the dangers that were never far behind when one was betrothed to another.

Thorin gracefully rose from the table. "Kili." He inclined his head towards the door that led to the garden behind him. "Walk with me."

Kili visibly gulped, but obediently followed his uncle through the door. Dis sank down on a chair beside Fili, and leaned into the strong comforting arm he wrapped around her shoulders. She felt absolutely exhausted, both physically and mentally. Love was not supposed to be this much of an ordeal. It was something to be celebrated, not treated like a shameful act. Dis hoped that Thorin will be gentle with Kili, that he will warn him and congratulate him with a kind voice and a tender touch, for she could not bear to see her son's love end before it ever truly began.

* * *

Thorin lead the way towards a stone bench that sat on the edge of the dirt path that snaked through the garden. The glow from the full moon bathed their vision in silver light, making the bright colours of the many flowers stand out from the dark curtain of night. The wildlife sang happily in the distance, and it was the only break in the silence that had settled upon uncle and nephew as they sat side by side in the dark.

To pass the time, Kili reached for a nearby flower and pulled the fully-bloomed bud from its stem. He ran his fingers along the softness of each petal as he waited for Thorin to say something. But Thorin did not speak, not for a very long time. Kili almost jumped when Thorin suddenly let out a breathy exhale while staring intently at the calloused hands that lay interlocked on his lap.

"You must think of me as heartless."

Kili arched an eyebrow in confusion. That was certainly not what he had expected Thorin to say. He nervously tucked a dark strand of hair behind his ear. "Never, uncle. Why would you believe such a thing?"

Thorin chuckled, but it was without humour. He looked over at his nephew and met his eyes. Kili seemed so young as he looked back at Thorin, so young and unburdened by pain and hate that it made his chest tighten knowing what he was about to tell him. He told himself Kili was a strong and rather stubborn dwarf and that he should not be worried of the outcome of their talk. But he was, and he could not help the way he felt.

Kili did his best to not fidget under Thorin's intense gaze as he waited patiently for his uncle to speak. He stroked one of the flower's petals with a finger once, then twice.

"How much have I told you of Erebor, Kili?" Thorin asked after a moment.

"Not as much as I would like," Kili replied, smirking slightly, though confusion was evident in his voice. What does Erebor have to do with this?

Thorin grunted, but appreciated Kili's attempt at defusing the tense air between them. "It is a... sore subject for me. Erebor reminds me of everything I have lost, and everything that I could still lose if I am not careful." He paused for a moment. Kili did not speak, knowing Thorin was not finished. "Erebor was so much more to me than just a home. It was everything I was in heart and soul, and it represented everything I had ever wanted in my life."

Intense blue eyes looked deep into trusting brown ones. "Can you imagine it, Kili? Having everything you've ever wanted? I was royalty, and I lived in a mighty kingdom surrounded by family, friends and great happiness." Thorin sighed sadly as he reminisced. Those were truly the best days of his life.

Kili looked like he was about to say something, but Thorin held up his hand in a silent gesture before he could. "There is more. So much more." He composed himself as more flashes of memory assaulted him – the glimmer of a wedding ring, a surprised gasp, the feel of the softest copper coloured hair between his fingers – before he swallowed hard and urged himself to continue. "I too know the feeling of love," he croaked with some difficulty.

Kili nodded, not really surprised at his uncle's confession. He always suspected that Thorin had been in love before, given how similarly he acted to Dis whenever Kili's father or love in general were the topic of discussion. But he had learned not to ask about it; Kili may be young and inexperienced, but he was no stranger to sadness.

The lack of shock Kili's face spoke volumes to Thorin. "I knew you had figured it out. You are smart, Kili." He took a breath, getting back into the story. "As I said before, I know how you're feeling right now. There's really nothing like it. Love is the most powerful emotion – it is stronger than hate and unblemished by greed."

He felt his throat close, preventing any more words. He cursed at himself; this was more difficult than he thought it would be. "By the time I was your age I'd give anything to fall in love truly... Well, It was all I could think about," he admitted rather sheepishly. Few knew of his old romantic nature that had been replaced with his current detached coldness. Kili could help but smile at Thorin's confession and gestured for him to continue.

"That's when I met her, the girl of my dreams. She was the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen." He smiled fondly at the memory. "I remember first seeing her across the market in Dale. It was her hair that caught my eye first... The sun made it shine such a brilliant red that contrasted so well with her olive eyes, and her beard was well groomed and wonderfully thick. I was instantly enchanted with her, and I couldn't stop myself from following her around the for the rest of the day. I probably appeared to be stalking her." Kili laughed, and Thorin did too. "By the time she figured out I was following her, I was already deeply in love."

His voice caught on the last word. It was still so hard to talk about, even after all these years. "She led me around a corner and confronted me. I will never forget what she said... she said, 'Can I tell you a wonderful thing, nameless stranger? I can't help but notice you're staring at me. And I know I shouldn't say this but I really believe I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me.'"

Thorin sighed and placed a hand on Kili's shoulder. "Now Kili, I want you to know something before I continue. I'm only telling you this because life... can do terrible things."

"I know," Kili said simply, nodding once.

"Our love grew strong very quickly. There was nothing else I loved as fiercely as her. I remember laying out beneath the night sky with her, and most of the time we'd have too much to drink and we'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything. We were too young to notice and too dumb to care at how irresponsible we were. But love was a story that just couldn't compare."

He paused as the old but not forgotten feelings of a pure love washed over him again. Oh how he wished he could spend just one day with her again. He would do absolutely anything to hold her hand, kiss her lips or look into her beautiful eyes just one more time. He felt the sharp ache in his chest as the memories threatened to overtake him, but he continued on for Kili's sake.

"I learned very quickly that she was my One –there was no doubt in my mind. I spent nearly a month crafting the most beautiful golden ring and case to go with it, and a full day trying to wrap it up perfectly with paper and string. I'd asked her father for her hand, and he had given me his blessing with a sadness in his eyes that I did not understand at the time. But I soon learned why he was so full of grief after granting me his daughter's hand... If only I had known."

Thorin cleared his throat to get rid of the lump that was rapidly forming there. "I arranged for her to meet me under the stars in our usual place that very night. I rehearsed a little speech, but when the time came I could do nothing but hand her the case in silence. I was so nervous that I forgot to kneel. All I could stammer out was, 'Open it with care, I'm asking you please... You know that I love you, w-will you marry me?'"

He looked down at his lap again and clenched his hands tightly. "Now Kili, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things. You'll learn one day, but I'll hope and I'll pray, that Mahal shows you differently."

Kili knew at this moment that the climax to the story had come. He felt a sense of dread pool in his chest, and he didn't know if he was ready to hear it. But he gripped Thorin's shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner, all the while being careful not to crush the flower in his fist that he just couldn't seem to let go of. "Go on, uncle," Kili prompted quietly.

Thorin had trouble getting out his next words. "I'll never forget what she said to me," he whispered, his eyes shined with unshed tears. "She looked at me and said, 'Thorin, may I tell you a terrible thing? It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks. Please don't be sad now I really believe that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.'"

He choked on the last word and could no longer contain the tears. He let them roll freely down his face without any embarrassment that he was weeping in front of another. The pain was still so intense, and finally speaking of it to someone only made the memories come back to him stronger than ever. He could still picture her face as clearly as he could so many years ago, and the expression she wore when she broke his heart. He clutched at his chest, trying to calm the erratic pace at which his shattered organ was beating.

"Oh, Thorin," Kili whispered. He had never seen his uncle like this before, and he would be lying if he said it didn't scare him. "I'm- I don't..." He vaguely realized he was still holding the flower loosely in his hands. He felt each already slightly wilted petal – didn't he just pick it a moment ago? – as he tried to think of something to say. But how could he soothe a wound that was older than his own life?

Thorin choked on a sob and looked up at the sky that used to be clear and seem so full of endless possibilities. But now, dark clouds hid what natural light the stars provided them. And in that moment, Thorin allowed himself to believe that the world understood his pain, and that the light of his love were like stars lost in the black mist in the sky. Love to him was nothing but a wicked lie, one that was so easily snuffed out by the cruel will of fate.

They sat together on the stone bench in the garden, surrounded only by the sound of Thorin's weeping and the feeling of sorrow that threatened to consume them both. Kili let him cry, knowing that nothing he could do would help. He could only offer his presence and whatever comfort that meant.

After what felt like a lifetime, Thorin's wracking sobs finally quieted. He coughed and wiped his eyes on his coat sleeves, then turned to his nephew who was staring at him in sympathy. He needed to finish telling Kili his story – he owed him that much.

"I r-remember I... fell to the ground on my knees w-when she told me. I couldn't b-believe what she had said. I refused to accept it." Thorin was breathing heavily and his hands shook violently, and Kili was more than a little worried for his uncle's health.

Suddenly, Thorin grabbed Kili roughly by the shoulders and made him turn to face him. Kili gasped at he was wrenched to the side, but immediately was silenced by shock when he looked into wild blue eyes that in that moment did not seem completely sane.

Before Thorin could even process what he was saying, he was choking out words in something not unlike panic. "So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose! If you're given the choice then I'm _begging_ you chose to walk away." Thorin shook Kili hard in the way only a desperate and broken man could. "Do you understand? Don't let her get you! I can't bear to see the same happen to you!" His voice had steadily rose to a scream by the time he was finished.

And then it was if something snapped back into place, and Thorin seemed to realize what he had said. He quickly let go of Kili's shoulders, his expression full of shame at his rash actions and harsh words. He buried his face in his hands as he tried to ignore the terrified look on his nephew's face. "I just- I can't bear to see the same happen to you," he whispered.

Kili tried desperately to compose himself. He did not want Thorin to see how much he had scared him, though judging by the mortified look on Thorin's face, it was a lost cause. He gently placed his hand on Thorin's shoulder and waited for him to look up. Thorin felt his touch and raised his head slightly, his hair a curtain between his and Kili's face.

"Now K-Kili, you know I'm only telling you this because life can do t-terrible things. You understand that, d-don't you?"

"Yes, uncle. I understand. I am so sorry. I never knew how terrible..." He trailed off, unsure how to continue, as Thorin's story had terrified him to his very core. What if- what if the same thing happened to him? He saw how affected Dis and Thorin were from losing their One. What if he lost his One too? He didn't know if he was strong enough to live through it. Kili couldn't imagine his life without his love – the mere thought sent a shot of white hot pain through his chest. He noticed woefully that he had almost completely crushed the flower in his grip. He unfolded it gently and tried to smooth out the crumpled petals as he thought about what Thorin said.

Kili had never known how badly Thorin's life had been, and now he regarded Thorin with new respect. Thorin and his mother were so much stronger than he had ever really given them credit for. If he could barely take the idea of living without his One, he could not even begin to imagine the inner strength they must have so they could live each day and still find some joy in life. He could only hope to be as tough as them someday.

But what Kili wanted more than anything was to show both Thorin and Dis that love could last and be truly everything you ever wanted. He wished that he could prove that happy endings were not just in old tales spoken to children in hushed whispers. But he could not, at that moment, though he longed to. He would have to show them over the years of dedication to his One that he could have the life they were not fortunate enough to have, and that their fears – though justified and born from love – did not apply to him. He could be the exception.

"Thorin." He spoke clearly and calmly, with determination clear in his voice. Thorin watched him warily, almost as if he was afraid of what Kili was going to say. "I know how it pains you to recall your memories to tell me this, and I thank you for trusting me with your past." He took a deep breath. "I can't even begin to understand what you went through... but Thorin, just because you and mother were not lucky enough to be with your One for the rest of your lives, that does not mean that I too will not be allowed the happiness I deserve."

Thorin nodded hesitantly, wiping away the last traces of tears. "I know, though I cannot help but be afraid for you. I don't know if your mother and I can survive another lost love, even if it is indirect. It is a selfish desire, I know that full well. But you must understand how much we love you, and how much we care about your well being. For you to suffer as we are is something we cannot bear to see."

"I don't want to make you upset, uncle. You or mother. But I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before. She is my world and I just can't live without her." Kili paused to gather his courage. "And... and I hope you offer me your blessing, because to have it even after everything that's happened would mean so much to me. Please, let me show you that love can be kind."

"Kind?" Thorin chuckled darkly, and Kili cringed at the sound. "That is not a word I would associate with love." But as he said it, his eyes softened as he looked at Kili. "But I can give it a chance, for you. Do not mistake my intentions, Kili. I want you to prove me wrong, though I cannot help but dwell on what will happen to you if you fail."

Kili leapt up from the bench and stood before Thorin, his shoulders straight and his lips pressed together tightly. An abused flower lay forgotten where he had been sitting. "I will not fail, then. I won't. Not when there is so much to lose. Trust me, Thorin. Please."

"I do trust you," Thorin said quietly. And then he smiled. "Go ahead, then. Prove me wrong."

Kili gasped, then grinned and launched himself into his uncle's arms. "Thank you, thank you, _thank you_! Mahal bless you! I'll show you Thorin, I really will, you will see!"

Thorin couldn't help but laugh at the fact Kili was practically bouncing in his arms. "Oh quiet down, you," Thorin teased. He clasped his nephew firmly by the shoulder to steady him. "Now, let's head inside. I think I've had enough of the stars for one night, wouldn't you say?"

They turned to head back towards their warm house and family, but Thorin found himself hesitating. He made sure not to look again at the shining orbs in the night sky, nor the wilted flower that lay on the bench where Kili had been. Instead, he watched as Kili left, unaware through his joy that he was walking alone.

Thorin remained in the garden, looking anywhere but the place he had just spilled out his heart. But soon the wilted flower could not be ignored, and Thorin finally allowed himself to spare a glance at it. He reached down and gingerly picked it up and held it loosely in his palm. When he thought about it, this flower really was a lot like Kili – strong when attached to their stems, but wilted and died so quickly when taken away from their roots. But he hoped Kili wouldn't wilt as quickly as the flower had. He felt the wind pick up suddenly, and the flower left his palm and danced away. He made no moves to get it back, as he understood that it was not his to keep.

He let out a sigh and sat back on the bench. He wasn't foolish enough to think that Kili's chances were any greater than his own had been. But as he sat in the garden, his frame bathed in the silver light of the moon and watched the flower drift away in the breeze, he allowed himself to hope that Kili could have everything he never could, and that he had made the right decision by giving his blessing.

But it seemed the line of Durin was destined for more heartache.

* * *

Thorin never wanted it to come to this. He never wanted any of this to happen. Bilbo's betrayal – though now he realizes it was the right decision after the gold lust had subsided enough for him to see the truth – had broken whatever trust he'd had in the little hobbit, and the ensuing battle had just broken him in general. He never wanted even the possibility of such bloodshed, despite being all too willing to fight for their right to their lands and riches. He never wanted to see his company of dwarves, those who had become his trusted friends, fight to the death defending him and their kingdom. And he certainly never wanted to be one of the few left to pick up the pieces of his fallen comrades.

So in the end maybe it was a good thing that he had fallen too.

He lay on the earth, all the blood and the dirt mixing together in some sort of rancid combination that made him want to retch. The open wound in his chest was incredibly painful, but the feeling of agony was already familiar to him there after so many years that he paid it no mind. But what really bothered him was that he didn't really feel the full extent of the pain he figured he should be. He just felt more numb than anything, and that scared him more than any physical wound could.

An odd sound filtered through the white noise in his ears. He struggled to turn his head and look to his side, but when he did, he immediately wish he hadn't. Kili lay beside him, three arrows protruding from his chest. His mouth was opening and closing quickly, as if he was trying frantically to tell Thorin something, but there was so much blood pooling that he ended up choking on his words and suddenly Thorin felt like retching for an entirely different reason.

But wait, if Kili was hurt, then Fili...

"He's dead, Thorin," Kili managed to gasp after he'd spit the blood out of his mouth. "He's gone." And then Kili was sobbing, hard and fierce and so brokenly that Thorin knew no amount of comfort or care could fix him. He hastily turned from the heart wrenching sight to allow Kili to grieve in privacy, only to spot a crumpled body lying face down not twenty feet from them. The hand that still clutched a lone sword was severed from its forearm, the sword's twin lying abandoned beside it, and the bloody blonde hair that blew softly in the stale wind was unmistakably Fili's.

So he was dead, then. His eldest nephew had fallen too. Thorin felt something well up within him, but it was gone before he could identify what it was. He figured it was sorrow, but he could not be sure, because he wasn't weeping like Kili was. He should be upset, as logic would dictate that he should be mourning with Kili, but he wasn't. He just became acutely aware of the numbness again, and how it was spreading and intensifying as if it wanted to protect him from the emotions that he knew he should be feeling, the ones that should be crippling him with agony and making him sob along with Kili.

He couldn't really decide if the numbness was a good thing. He knew the pain from his wound and the knowledge he couldn't protect his nephews would feel would be incredible, but isn't it what he deserved after failing again and again to protect what he loved from harm?

An immeasurable amount of time passed where Thorin was lost in his thoughts, which was odd considering the amount of blood he had lost, that he could still think coherently, but he guessed that was just life being cruel once again. Was it really so merciless that it wouldn't allow him a few moments to lay in blessed silence, his mind blissfully free of the horrors of his reality?

Thorin vaguely noticed that Kili's wails were now nonexistent, and he had trouble turning to look as his limbs were becoming oddly heavy and lethargic. His nephew was clutching what looked like a small paper in his bloodied hands. Despite the tears that were still cascading down his face, he was murmuring quietly to the paper with an expression twisting his face that Thorin guessed was something like regret, shame and love. It was an expression that Thorin was familiar with.

"Kili," he croaked. Kili had to turn a bit to face him, wincing when the arrows in his chest shifted as he moved. As he turned to look at him, Thorin could see what Kili had been looking at; it was a hand drawn picture of a beautiful dwarf lass that Kili would never see again.

And then Thorin finally understood that Kili was going to die, that he was going to follow Fili wherever he went because that's what he'd always done throughout his life, so why should death be any different? But this time it _was _different, because Kili was leaving behind his intended. And once again another heart would break when they learned their One had fallen, and Thorin had been given the chance to stop it from happening but he had failed because apparently that's what he was good at. And really, did the pain from his chest matter when the loss of love really was more devastating than any physical wound?

Thorin wanted to scream, to rant and to roar about the injustice of the world. But instead he wept, for love had once again failed and that is likely why he felt more dead than he had being skewered by an orc's blade.

And oh Mahal, suddenly the numbness was gone and his chest was _burning_ with grief and hate and he couldn't control it and he just wanted to curl up and hit everyone and everything that came near and he was acting like a child but he didn't _care_ because life was just so unfair and if it didn't abide by simple rules then neither would he–

He knew he was spiralling into hysterics, but that was bound to happen after so many years of acting like he wasn't broken. But still, he knew that now was not the time to panic. He was going to die on this battlefield, he knew that full well, for if his physical wounds didn't kill him then the pain of everything else would, and he would remain stoic in death just as he had in life.

Death was a sobering thought. He'd never be afraid of it, of course, but the finality of it all was a little intimidating. He'd never be able to tell Bilbo he was sorry, and that he'd never to able to beg for Dis' forgiveness for not protecting her children, and that was something that made him feel empty.

And yet, the feeling of emptiness, if it was even possible at this point, only intensified as he looked at his youngest nephew. He knew the exact moment when Kili died – when his eyes dulled, the grimace twisting his features slackened and the tears stopped flowing down his face... when his hand opened in death and the small piece of paper drifted down to lie face down into the bloodied mud just out of his reach. But then again, hadn't it always been out of his reach?

Thorin knew that this was the end. He was not surprised that no enemy attacked him, nor ally helped him. If he had seen himself as he was now, he supposed he would have left himself for dead too.

But he didn't want such terrible things to be his last thoughts. He wanted to forget that he lay dying beside his two dead nephews, and that he had failed his sister and left her with no family to call her own. He wanted to forget that he could never say goodbye to his lifelong friends, and he wouldn't have the chance to thank his company for following him into the depths of hell to reclaim their home. He wanted to forget that he was leaving Erebor with no ruler, and that he would not live to know if they had won. And above all, he wanted to forget that he had failed to keep what he loved safe.

Instead he wanted to remember the good things and the memories he learned to cherish instead of forget and the things that allowed him some joy each day. He wanted to remember how Erebor used to be, and he wanted to remember the wonderful family he had before Smaug came and destroyed his life.

He wanted to remember love.

And finally, he could think of her without pain. He could remember what he loved about her, and he could remember what annoyed him to no end because love isn't perfect and that's really why it was so perfect. And perhaps... he could see her again now? He had waited long enough, hadn't he? Maybe now he'd gone through enough terrible things to earn forever with her, because that is really the only reward he deemed himself worthy for.

So he lay on his back and looked up at the sky, seeking comfort in the familiarity of it all in his last moments, and waited for the end to come. But his solace was not there, and he panicked when he didn't see the thousands of shining orbs above him. It didn't make sense. Why would they abandon him now, when he needed them the most? After all, it was night time, wasn't it? It must be, because everything was going dark... so why couldn't he see the stars?

* * *

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